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Archive for April, 2011

Reflection

This year has flown by so quickly and I don’t know where the time went.

I have only two more nights left at home with my little one.  And then it’s back to work, or back to the grind as they say.  Everyone I’ve spoken with (about going back to work) has heard just how hard of a time I’ve had with this looming date.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I couldn’t have prepared for just how difficult it’s been.  (Is this what they meant when they said parenthood wasn’t easy? What an understatement!)

I really wish I could stay home with him for just a little longer, at least that much.

I’ll miss seeing his smile when he wakes in the morning.

I’ll miss dressing him in the morning and giving him his breakfast.

I’ll miss going out with him here and there.

I’ll miss taking him for walks.

I’ll miss the cuddle time and hearing his constant blabbering as I tend to this or that chore.

And I do realize that this isn’t the last time that I’ll get to experience these things, but it just won’t happen every day.

I don’t want to miss any of his big moments, or firsts (words, steps, etc.) while I’m at work.

I don’t want to not be around when he’s hurt and cries.

I don’t want to become just some figure in the background of his life because I’m at work for the majority of his day.

I don’t want to be replaced by his Monday to Friday caregiver.

I don’t want to miss all the fun times.

How is it that my heart can break so much at the thought of leaving him, even though I know I’m not losing him altogether?

Will he even feel my absence?

If Julian were ever to read this when he was older, I guess I would just want him to know that I love him more than words can say.  Part of me wishes that I didn’t have to work outside the home.  That he and I could be a duo forever. But that’s not realistic.  I would want him to know that he’s taught me so very much.  That having him in my life has been such an amazing blessing, and amazing challenge all rolled into one.  I would want him to know that I tried my very best to give him everything he needed and more.  But if I were to be frank, this year has been a lot of trial and error, especially in those first few months after he was born.  As he grew, my confidence as a mom grew too.  And even though my job as a mom is not finished after this one year, I feel like this has been the first of many challenges…now the next challenge for me is to learn how to balance work with everything that’s more important, like him, and his dad, and our family.  Lastly, I’d want him to know that he was a great baby.  Always so observant, quiet in public, and tentative with his smiles for strangers, but especially flirty with women.  His laugh could fill my heart so much it would feel like it could burst.  And when he was sick, those few times, my heart would break seeing his pain and hearing his cries.

I doubt that any of this will change, but I just want to document how I feel at this moment.

I don’t want to forget all the little things.  Like how it felt to hold him in my arms the very first time, and how it was so difficult to capture his smiles in photographs.  Like how he loved his jolly jumper and “choochie”.  Like how he loved “Twinkle, Twinkle,” “The Itsy, Bitsy Spider,” “Patty-cake,” and “You Are My Sunshine” the most.  Like how he would dance by moving his head side to side…especially when I would sing “Yummy, yummy in my tummy” while preparing his breakfast.  I don’t want to forget how he was rolling at four months, but only started crawling and eleven months.  How he cut his first tooth at seven months, and took FORever to learn to eat (much to Babcia’s dismay).  I don’t want to forget taking him to Mom and Baby yoga, or swimming.  Part of me will never forget these things, but these memories will be replaced by others, just as I’ve already forgotten some, which is a shame.

Being Julian’s mom certainly doesn’t end now, but I’ll now have to juggle other “stuff” and try to spend as much time as possible with him.  I loved him right from when I carried him inside me and that feeling only grew with each passing day.  I loved watching him grow from a 7 pound baby that fit so nicely in my one forearm, and who’s now grown to weigh 19 pounds and is almost half my height (not that that takes much)!  I loved watching his features change slowly from looking so much like his daddy, to now looking more like me (yeah)!

I will always, always treasure my year home with Julian (even if I forget the little things).  He will always be my baby, my first, no matter if I’m at work during the day, and no matter how old he gets.  I hope he will always know how much I love him (even if he can’t fully comprehend it).  I hope we continue to grow together, he and I, and that between now, and when I/we read this again, our bond has only strengthened further…

I’m so very grateful for all the time we’ve shared.

You have been a true gift and blessing in my life.

I’m so very lucky to have you and I am proud of all your accomplishments, no matter how small.

I will love you forever and always.

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Can’t move

Not even an inch

Not even to scratch an itch

Keep the eyes closed

Don’t so much as peek out

Don’t pay attention to the surroundings

Don’t pay attention to feelings

Like noticing the nasal congestion

Or the itch

Or the position you’re in

Drown out the noise

Try to recall where you were before;

Was it a beach,

A castle,

A mountain maybe?

 

If you give in

And your eyes open,

Even if it’s just a quick flutter

And you begin to change position

In the hopes of being “comfortable”

And you begin to focus on the sound

Pleading, begging, needing,

The worst sound in the world.

How can it be ignored?

 

It’s all over.

There’s no going back.

 

You’ll just have to wait another 24 hours and try again…

 

 

As soon as the baby wakes up,gets what he needs and goes back down, I’m back at square one with falling asleep.  Or sometimes I don’t fall asleep again at all.  I just watch the hours tick by, 3, 4, 5, 6, until shortly after 6 am. when suddenly I’m conveniently able to drift off again.  Well wouldn’t you know that Julian is up shortly thereafter?

Ahhh the joys of parenthood!

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